Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
