FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
