First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
