i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
We talked him into tasing himself.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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