fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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