I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
