I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
