The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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