I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
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