I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight