I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY