My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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