I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
