I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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