dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I could fuck to npr.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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