My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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