I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
