NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
