dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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