My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
