This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i dont even know how to be here
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
