How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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