I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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