remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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