my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
