Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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