Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
