I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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