I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
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I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
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I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
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