I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
