He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
