You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
