fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
