Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
