Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
