I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
FUCK WHALES
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
