i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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