I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
