Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
