There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
