Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
