We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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