Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
