all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
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I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize