If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
No more Irish car bombs ever.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
