last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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