I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize