i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
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