Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Sober January is a disaster.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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