If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Do you have feelings for this penis?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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