why im i the only drunk person in the library?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
