All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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