Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I think I just sharted jello shots
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
