Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
