I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
