Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
