i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Randomize
