when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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