Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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