dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
