1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
